Marital sessions
by Give my socks back
Summary: HGXRW. hermione and Ron are having a tough time so they decide to seek help in Marital sessions. They'll have to overcome a number of hilarious tasks to unite once more. R


**A/N: This is a comedy, and it's gonna have a quite a few chapters. It's different from all my other fics, I'll think you'll find. It's less random than my usual comedy, so it DOES have an actual plot line, unlike the others. It's going to be great - I guarantee, but you'll have to R&R always remember. Rw/Hg quite obviously, but it may have some other couplings as the plot unfolds. Enjoy, and read the disclaimer to the tune of, row row row your boat, of course.**

**Disclaimer: No, no, no I don't, I don't own Hp! Damn, damn dameny damn, I don't own HP!

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**Marital sessions**

"This isn't going to work… Ron… This just isn't, I know it."

"Don't you want what's best for us? Don't you want to keep at it, you're never one to give up 'Mione. Perhaps these sessions could help our marriage. We're young, we've got so much more head of us…"

"Yes, plus I don't want a divorce, far too much time it takes up. Far too much worry."

"Hermione, how did we get like this? We're eighteen for heavens sake, and we already are acting like my mum and dad…"

"How the hell do I know? It just happened. Look, my grades slipped since I met you Ron Weasley, and now I have nothing to aim for. So this better work or else…"

"Hermione – is it your time of the month?"

"Thank you for your worry! It might be yours though!"

Ron sighed at his sarcastic wife and opened the door a little nervously. He stepped into a shockingly bright room, each wall an amazingly bright colour. There was bright yellow pink, neon green and orange.

"Well hello!" Said a cheery voice from the middle of the room. The witch that stood in front of them was short, plump with curly purple locks down to her knees, almost. Ron was in shock, as he looked her up and down, hardly daring to listen to her. "Ah, you must be…" She checked her notebook) "Mrs Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. Well, we will be going through a number of sessions over the next weeks or months – however long it takes for your love to spring again!" She smiled, showing yellow teeth. "If you would sit down, I'll tell you your courses."

Hermione gave Ron a malevolent look, to kill for. He grinned uncomfortably and conjured a chair for himself.

"Now, now, Mr Weasley! No wonder you're marriage is on the line – where is your courtesy? Where is you chair for your beautiful bride?"

"Oh…" Ron wasn't quite sure who the woman was talking about. It had been aeons since he'd seen Hermione as beautiful. More like… witch. Not average Hogwarts witch, girl with green face and spotty nose. flicking his wand again he let a chair hurl from nowhere, knocking Hermione flat.

"Ron!"

"Oh, er… sorry…" He reddened and lifted the purple Hermione with a levitating charm onto the seat beside him. She was shaking with rage.

"Well, as you know, there will be a number of magical exercises you will have to overcome. We will see what you dislike and like, and use these to bring you back together. Across a period of weeks these courses will be given to you as follows…

'The "coping course" We give you a child to look after and see if it brings you together, how you cope, etcetera.'

"The "I can do better course." A week on the Hawaiian beach with different partners. That, my dears is a self explanatory course, of course."

And the final course. We call it extraction – and well, that course is left unexplained. Now… shall we get started?"

Hermione put her hand to her head. "I can't believe we're doing this…"

"If we must…"

"Righty –o. Now, I warn you, this course is not to be taken lightly. Like I said, you will be issued with a replica life form. Something that looks, and acts like a child…"

"What is it?"

"Otherwise known as… a dolly. Baby Born, Nine pounds ninety nine from zapf creations, to be exact. But it has been charmed to be more realistic and act as a real child does, but of course, no harm can come to it. The doll's mental age is about… well, I'd say 3 months. You'll have to feed it; bathe it, change it. In all effect it's an actual child, just without emotions. Good luck! You may take him home and come back in a week."

Ron stared, horrified as the plastic doll was bundled into his arms, it's evil eyes shut for the moment. He'd seen this evil before – Ginny had had one. Horrible, plastic creatures they were, but they cried like hell – and if this thing was magically enhanced… God help him.

"I think it wants it's daddy." Smirked Hermione, before getting out of her chair, and vanishing it with another flick of her wand. As common courtesy, she did so to Ron's too, and he fell flat on his back.

"Thanks…" He mumbled.

"Oh, don't mention it." Hermione leered back as they walked out of the door without thanking the woman behind them. From what they had already guessed, they had just walked into a whole load of trouble.

How right they were.

OXOXOXOX

"Won't it ever stop?" Ron cried for the fifth time as the wailing sounded from upstairs again. "What does it want? It can't possible have made another soiled nappy – I've changed about twenty already!"

"Have you tried giving it a bottle?"

"Yeah, but it won't take it, I don't think it likes it…!"

"What are you saying?"

"Hermione… you're a girl…"

"No way Ron – No!"

"But…"

"Ron! No way am I breastfeeding!" Hermione shouted at Ron, her hands on her hips, glaring. "No way am I breast feeding – that is NOT going to happen. Just don't even bother!"

"You want it to shut up, don't you? C'mon, I can't exactly do it, can I? But you can! You have…"

"What Ron – what?"

"The talent… God's gift… er…" Somehow Ron knew that flattery wouldn't work. "Well you know. I can't exactly do it can I? And If the baby doesn't like bottles, and he doesn't eat yet, and he's hungry… just try it for gods sake 'Mione! You haven't done hardly anything…!" He growled, sitting himself on the sofa. /2In fact I'm on strike. I'll invite Harry over I think."

Hermione stood shaking with fury and humiliation for a moment. Somehow; she knew what was going to happen next. But no way; no way was it going to happen. The baby was plastic. A plastic toy. She trudged upstairs, up to the cot that had been delivered by magic not a few hours ago. How this was supposed to bring Ron and her back together again she didn't know. Their Magical relationship had lost it's spark before it had begun. Dating had been fun; and their arguing had of course, been consistent. But that was Ron and Hermione for you. It was their way. But since their early marriage…

It had gone topsy turvy. They had carried on arguing, they had carried on shouting, but it hadn't stopped like it used to. And then they'd started resenting each other for their arguments. Why couldn't she be happy like Harry and Ginny? Neville and Luna…? Why couldn't she turn out like them?

Without thinking above the massive din, she threw the doll across the room, hoping it would break, smash into a thousand pieces.

Instead of quietening down, it cried harder, and louder than ever, so much so she could even hear the voice amplified across the street. With a scream from her lungs that exploded from her with a monstrous effect.

"ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT! I'LL DO IT!"

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**A/N : snigger. Couldn't help it. Thanks to any reviwers, theres more to come. You'll LOVE the second challenge.**


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